Parental Guilt
I am consumed by guilt. I recognise it, I manage it, but it is there. Always there.
Last year, my youngest baby, Alannah, was admitted into hospital. She had her tonsils and adnoids removed, and grommits inserted. I took one week of personal leave to spend time with her, and nurture her through the recovery.
All the time the following thoughts were going through my head
1. I am not spending enough time with my eldest two children
2. I am completing ignoring my husband
3. I have a strategic workshop coming up in a weeks time and I am not as prepared as I would like
4. My mum, dad, brothers, sister, friends have all called ten times each to find out how Alannah is and I have still not responded to one of those calls
Oh and this was my favourite
5. My daughter is in pain and I made the decision to proceed with the surgery. I caused this (yes I know I know I know…)
Of course, a week later my daughter was well enough to be able to venture out, and I needed to return to work. …..
The new round of thoughts begin
1. I should have taken more time off
2. Alannah still needs me - I should be with her
3. I should be with all my children
4. My daughter was awake all night and I have an intense day at work. How am I going to deliver an effective plan to the business
5. My other children and my husband need my time and I am exhausted
This is one example of parental guilt. There are others and there will be plenty more. I accept this.
So what do I do to manage this situation.
Here are my tips.
- Talk to your friends and family. Be honest and real
- Accept the cards you are dealt and work with it
- Accept that you cannot be there for every person in your life, at all times. These represent opportunities for your children in particular to build solid and lasting relationships with other family members or carers…. and lifelong skills in building relationships that matter.
- Ask for help!! (And for the record, this is something I am not good at …… at all!! Just ask my sister!)
They are tips to manage the guilt, with an appreciation that the feelings will not simply vanish.
I would however, really appreciate your thoughts and strategies on parenting and that suffocating guilt that seems to surround us!!!
Always, Michelle
xx
Shell,
I finally have been able to log onto this site from sea and am so glad that I did. Another layer of you is revealed and another form of communication opens.
Parental Guilt is one we all feel. We both know what our inner fears are, and we both know, from the outside looking in, what a great parent, aunty/uncle we each are.
I know how busy you are. Being a working parent in any career isn’t easy, especially in this current age. As demands increase on productivity within the workforce, it is up to each individual (and family unit) to manage their time in better ways. You are doing a great job with that sis. Your children are a shining example of the love and devotion that you and Juan provide them.
There is a reason that you are my executor should anything happen….you are a role model that any child (and adult) would greatly emulate.
Guilt is a constant reminder that we are human and devoid of our emtional reasoning. To be without feeling in this life is to be without definition. I feel it every day and yet logically I know how hard I work to provide a positive role model to Cai. The guilt still remains, and I feel it as well being absent from you, Juan and the kids. Again, it isn’t logical or rational, yet it is so raw and powerful in emotion. The true ability is within us to manage the balance for without it, what are we here for. Shell, any person can parent a child, but only those of us who choose to step up to the plate can be called parents.
The guilt reminds us that we care, that we feel. You are a great parent, a wonderful wife and a terrific sister, but above all, you are a great person. Your children are going to grow never doubting your love and your sacrifices..and when they start forgetting this, then it will be time to visit Uncle Dan Dan as you’ll never have to ask for help from me, it is there, no matter where I am in the world.
That in itself is what makes a great parent and manager. The ability to draw strength from all of our resources whilst dealing with the unforeseen.
We are human and therefore we make mistakes, we doubt ourselves and we can lose our way..but the beauty of family, friends, colleagues and networking partners is that there will always be someone to guide you back and remind you that we are here for the important things in life…our children.
Love ya sis!
D
Michelle
I saw your blog details at the end of your email and thought I would investigate. It is comforting to know other mothers go through the same thought process with their children. I value my network of female friends and family to litmus test my feelings. You have made some key points though - we need them to be honest and as mothers we need ask for help! Call it my midlife crisis or maybe I have “matured” but I am now reaching proactively out to others to offer help in their work life balance knowing that my friends are so willing to respond to me when I now have finally learnt to ask!!
Well done on this blog - you are true inspiration to others and your family. Cheers Renee De Laine
Scanning your blog is a necessary task that I do everyday.